We Must Fight Fear With ... A FUCKING FRENCH SMURF RALLY, Bien Sur!

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Title : We Must Fight Fear With ... A FUCKING FRENCH SMURF RALLY, Bien Sur!
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We Must Fight Fear With ... A FUCKING FRENCH SMURF RALLY, Bien Sur!

Unbelievably, this is seemingly NOT fake news.

Lost amid the World War Z-esque dystopian pandemic that's descending upon us all with disturbing alacrity is this little tidbit from Corona-embattled France. 

In Landerneau, 3,500 cos-players (about 20% of the total population of the small town) painted themselves blue and dressed up as Smurfs in order to break the Guinness world record for largest Smurf gathering. (I was today years old when I learned that this was even a valid Guinness record-breaking category).

Anyhoo, not everyone thought this was a good idea, obvs, with social distancing replacing social networking as "la mode du jour." After all, we are supposed to be encasing ourselves in Purell-soaked bubble wrap--not swapping airborne phlegm pathogens with other humans dressed as tiny blue muppets.

Let it be said at the outset that the Smurfs was my absolute favorite cartoon growing up, although now it's unclear why. I didn't question why there was only one girl Smurf in a community of hundreds. I didn't think Papa was creepy. I didn't ask why they lived in mushrooms. I didn't marvel at the lack of a plot in every episode. I didn't ask why Gargamel and Azriel never got anywhere with whatever it was they were trying to achieve. I didn't think about why every other verb of dialogue was replaced with "Smurf." I didn't view the entire series through the lens of one big recurring acid trip. I simply woke up every Saturday morning, poured myself a giant bowl of Cap'n Crunch with whole milk, turned on my TV, and waited for LALALALALALLALALALLA to come on.

Well, just a few short days ago, Landerneau's mayor, Patrick LeClerc, was on the same page as me circa 1985. He more or less said "Mangez de la merde!" to the CDC, WHO, and other acronyms that would dare to use medicine and science to squelch the wisdom and joy of gathering 3,500 Smurfs in one square mile while on the cusp of a global pandemic. 

"We must not stop living," he said, vowing to fight the "ambient gloom" with a Smurferama and some baguettes I guess. Only in 2020 could insisting on holding a 3,500 person Smurf rally when the globe is poised to enter quarantine constitute "living." 

YES. We must not stop living, people. Forget about food, water, and basic necessities. It's commonly known that "Smurf Rally" is the foundation of Maslow's hierarchy of needs pyramid. I guess my question is what's going to happen if any of these smurfs get sick. Will they be treated with Smurfberries? Will there be a pop-up testing clinic housed in a toadstool? A lot of questions remain unanswered and we are just gonna have to wait and see how this plays out, I guess.

BON CHANCE!






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